I Want Your Love And I Want Your Revenge....

I Don't Want To Be Friends, I Want Your Bad Romance

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wow its been awhile...
well here i am again i bet no one even reads this anymore, but it's nice to get my thoughts, feelings and life updates out somehow. facebook is too public there are some things i want to say or express that would probably bother the people on my facebook, so i choose not to say them. well we're 2011 now and once again i begin yet another horrible year with losing a job. i don't know what i'm going to do now that tonys not here to help me. but at the same time i'm much much happier without him, unemployment or not. i found someone i really love but who is equally unloving back, unappreciative and therefore worthless. i had to get the guy a job at my now ex-job. i do admit though that he is the hottest thing i've ever had my hands on. even though i rarely get to enjoy that fact, seeing as my unemployment causes our relationship to be non-existent because we don't work together anymore. sometimes i think that he is more trouble than he's worth, but i really do love him with all my heart despite everything, and no one can make me laugh and smile and be as happy as i am with him. i can honestly and cornily say that he is the light of my life, but it seems like that lights going to go out soon. i think i'm already at the point in life where i know with him, forever's just not gonna happen with him. i want it, i see it, but he doesn't. he can't even be in a real relationship with me. our relationship is the mutated baby of love and friendship. not quite a relationship, but more than a friendship. that's his demented choice, not mine, but technically i guess it is my choice also since i choose to tolerate it, but trust me, i would rather have it be legit. he is a giant puss who doesn't want to commit to me completely so he won't be obligated to do anything for me or anything a boyfriend is obligated to do. it just seems to me like i lost everything when i lost my job. i was making a new friend and she hasn't been talking to me or hanging out with me since i got fired, and now he is practically invisible in my life. i just hope everything turns around soon, that i will find a job and everything will get better. i'll see him, i'll get a car, i'll pay off all my debts and i'll have money and be happy again. or i'll find someone better than him. i just want to find the one. after him i swear i won't jump into a relationship again until i find the right guy. it's hard though, because sometimes they just weirdly fall into my lap right after i get out of a really horrible relationship. i just don't know what to do anymore. i really don't. my life is just one sad story after another. once i get up on my feet towards the path of success or at least happiness, here comes good old bad luck to smack me down where i belong. the ground. i'm getting to the point where i'm ready to just give up on everything. just walk away and say i'm done. but maybe if i hold on long enough, a miracle will happen and maybe there just might be something good in store. something worth holding on for. maybe there's more than just this, maybe there is a light at the end of this dark, cold tunnel after all. but i have to wait if i want to see...
love Sarah


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