I Want Your Love And I Want Your Revenge....

I Don't Want To Be Friends, I Want Your Bad Romance

why do i keep a journal nobody reads? cuz i'm weird lol
well things are looking on the up and up, well kinda sorta. i'm working again at walmart, things are going good with mario. he came back since i last wrote. long story, don't really want to get into it in this post. i have to sleep soon. still searching for that special someone, to make my life worth living. no takers yet. still. how many years have i been single? fuck. 3 years now. it kills me, but i have my fun. it gets lonely though, and playing the game is exhausting. wtever. i need to focus on me anyways. boys are no longer my priority, they are just toys. fun on the side. the one i want doesn't want to have a normal relationship and wants to stick around, so why not. i got nothing else going anyway. i can't help thinking of that one saying though. "if ur not shittin' then get off the pot." it's like he's been constipated for 3 years. he's weird, but i love him. i'll let him stick around until i find something better to sink my teeth into. eventually he's going to have to choose me or beat it. if someone decides they want me, i'm not going to let him fuck up my chances of a relationship just cuz he's indecisive. supposedly leo and aquarius aren't a good match anyways. but then supposedly the zodiac changed, idk wtf i gotta look into that lol. still carless, but working. still alone, but alive and well. even if occasionally hungry. i live on.

ahh...rejection, my loyal companion.
well here's another blue moon entry no one will read. since i last posted, unemployment kicked in, THANK GOD (trust me i do!) and mario is but a thing of the past. fell in love with another idiot who busted a mario on me. i love you but i'm not IN love with you. "i love to hang out with you and drink with you and i LOVE to fuck you, but i don't see this ever turning into a relationship." slap in the face, recoil, and drive him home. holding back tears until i lock my room door. cry self to sleep, check. waste day sleeping depressed, check. converse with my friend/psychologist, decide to see what happens. i just hate having in my mind the delusional thought that "hmm, maybe he'll change his mind." yeah because that TOTALLY worked for you last time, dumbass. i just hate this fucking mixed signal shit, you know? he'd say things to make me think positive, like: "if we ever got together, blah blah blah." seriously drawing a blank on that, sorry lol. i think i blocked it out after he rejected me. but seriously, why would you say those kinds of things to someone you weren't ever planning on getting with? it just doesn't make any fuckin sense to me. now the only decision i need to make is whether to cut him loose, or keep him around. the sex is good, in a drought currently, so he is useful. he's not a giver, but he doesn't take from me either, or ask anything of me. i feel like he can possibly be a true friend, he's very encouraging and optimistic and fun as hell to be around. he doesn't come around as often as i'd like, and i don't work with him anymore, so he's easy to get over and forget. i'm a very out of sight, out of mind kinda girl. i don't forget, but it helps me when i don't have to see his face every damn day. when i'm hurt by some guy, seeing their face cuts through me like a knife. i'm just worried i won't be able to set my feelings aside and not see it as rejection, just as a not meant to be type of situation. i mean i used to kinda have feelings about one of my friends, then i decided i loved him alot, just that it would never be. we've talked about it though together, and thought it couldn't work. we laughed about it. i don't think we've ever really been that way though. we've always been very close friends with benefits and i've never gotten butthurt about it. but then, we've been that way since the beginning. me and this new guy joseph, started out that way then i fell in love with him. there's just some people i fall for immediately. i was interested in him when i first saw him, and when i worked with him, that was it, i was smitten. we were so compatible, and he was so smart and witty to me. i was used to talking to dumb guys at work, where i'd talk to them and they'd be like "what's that mean?" when i say something sometimes. i am attracted to intelligence. it's so hot to me. sometimes it's irritating though, when your own ignorance is pointed out to you by a brainiac. as long as it's playful banter it's funny and laughable, but insulting my intelligence is not going to win you points with me. he didn't act all arrogant. he just joked around with me and people started to notice how we talked alot to eachother. he was like my oasis in the middle of the desert. cute AND intelligent, and sarcastic and funny. total package. i fell in love with him, he was single at the time, so i tried to nab him. he seemed for it at the time, then got a girlfriend and ignored me. we were supposed to get together and then he just says "oh i have a girlfriend now, and i wanted to let you know." i'm like "okay, whatever." i had a boy toy at the time giving me the runaround, so i was like fuck it. no loss to me, i still got mine. he's with his girl, i get over it, stop acting butthurt and decide, just be friends, he's cool. then, he pulls the rug out from under me and starts with the late night texting. i know this for a fact, a man with a girlfriend (or not) does not text a girl hey wats up at 2am unless he's not interested in a little sumptin sumptin. we go back and forth for a while, and it never amounted to anything. i'm like whatever still, still got the backup. then i lose my job, the bottom falls out of the "un" relationship i was in, and the texts continue. eventually he ends up at my house and stuff happens. that was my goal all along. i'm a very "i see, i come, i conquer" type of girl. i see a man, i want him, i get him. even in time apparently. he was well worth the wait. then he ends up calling me the next day saying, "i don't think we should do that again." oh great, a paranoid one. ugh guys with girlfriend can be such pussies. they come to me for needs that aren't being met, then regret it and run back to their girlfriends. i get ignored, until they feel the need for infidelity again. totally through with this shit. anyways, not too long after, he informs me him and his girl broke up. CHA-CHING. he returns, guiltless. after this, i am hopeful maybe he likes me or else he would have just left me alone. little do i know, that's not the case. it's been 6 months now we've been like this. we hang, we talk, we drink, we fuck, he spends the night and he goes home. we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but it's cool. then i gotta fuck it up by falling for him yet again because of all this. i assume the best, until it really starts to bug me that i don't KNOW the status of this relationship. is it going anywhere, am i just the inbetween till his next relationship, is he going to push me aside after he finds someone, does he have feelings for me but he's not ready to tell me yet, or does he just enjoy my company and like to fuck me? i needed an answer. i decided with much prodding from close friends that i should just ask. so i work up the balls to do it. i was about to take him home, but i decided this was a good opportunity to ask. i possibly faced a really awkward car ride. i took the plunge. so i said, "okay i'm going to ask you something cuz i want to know, it doesn't matter whatever i just would like to know." he says okay. i say, "i want to know where this is going, like is it going to ever turn into a relationship, or we just gonna be friends with benefits? i'm just curious cuz you know how i feel, i just want to know if it's mutual." he's like, "well it's mutual, i mean i like hanging out with you, and drinking with you, i LOVE fucking you, but i don't see this ever being a relationship, us ever being together." try not to burst into tears...successful. i just keep an expressionless composure, and say, "alright well thanks, that's all i wanted to know." he says, "you're going to hate me now, aren't you?" i say, "nah, it's cool, don't worry about it." clenched teeth, fake small toothless smile. inside i'm screaming, "don't let him see that it bothers you." anyone who knows me very well, my closest friends and family, know that me being very quiet and expressionless means that i am either holding back tears cuz i want to cry, or i'm really fucking pissed off. it's just not me. the difference also known by these few, is when i i'm pissed i flush a little, and inhale and exhale very obviously, trying to stay composed. when i want to cry, i blink heavily and bite my lip, while looking away. i also fidget alot. my voice tends to waver, depending how bad i want to cry. my tone is also mono, i don't sound happy or sad really. they say you can tell i'm upset by my eyebrows and mouth expressions. he's a guy, so his only indication i'm sure that he noticed is my silence. i talk ALOT, especially while driving. i just drove and looked ahead. eventually he tried to break my ice queen stature by joking, i smiled but you could tell it was forced. i dropped him off and that was it. since then, i have been wondering how i should deal with this. i just don't want to get hurt. i did it once and i swore to myself i wouldn't do it again, but i really love him. i just don't know what to do. i feel like it's a lose/lose situation. i either lose someone who could be a good friend to me, or get used by someone who's never going to love me like i love them. i've done this before, only to be left with nothing. no friend, no love. i don't know if joseph would do that to me, but i would be taking a chance. repeating history. i just really love hanging out with him, he always makes me laugh, and we always have a good time together. maybe i should focus on that. idk i'm thinking of filling my prescription a little early to try to talk to this hot guy at the CVS by my house, but scared of rejection again. he seems interested, but i'm not sure. i want to ask if he has a girlfriend, and then if not, slip him my number or say we should hang out sometime. just throw myself out there, anywhere, or over a bridge. i'm a risk-taker when it comes to love, though i'm unlucky, i think it will pay off someday. i just don't like to think of an opportunity that could be missed, love that could be lost. maybe i could pass by my soulmate and not even know it, and all i had to say was hello. hey you never know. but then again, maybe i've just been watching WAY too many fucking movies. love is dead. chivalry is rotting.

as if things couldn't get any worse in life
well i got a letter from the unemployment saying that they're going to call me to ask me questions pertaining to my eligibility for unemployment benefits. that means they're calling me almost the end of this month and my rent is due every 15th so i might not get money (if i'm even getting any money) in time for my rent to be on time. great. and then i post a little tidbit on facebook that it's time to start worrying and you ever have that know-it-all friend who thinks they just know the answer to everything? well she starts trying to tell me well why did you do that when you could've done this, and it pisses me off because i've always had to take care of myself. i've paid my own bills always worked and lived on my own. she lives with mommy and daddy and doesn't have to pay all the shit i pay. she doesn't have to completely support herself. she also has a boyfriend to help her with anything if she ever needed it. i have NO ONE. i make my own decisions and i have to rely on myself and those decisions that i make and their outcome. i have no one to lean on or advise me but me. if i make the wrong decision, then that's my problem and i have to deal with it. it's not for anyone to say you made the wrong decision or you should've done this, because i thought that was best for me in the present time. who are you to say it was wrong? or i'm wrong? when you're on your own taking care of yourself, then you can tell me shit. right now, you're in no place because you don't know what it's like to have nothing and no one and to be on your own with no help. so shut the fuck up seriously, because you don't know how hard it is. life's never been hard for you. you don't know what it's like to live my life and be me, and go through what i've been through. the biggest tragedy in your life was your dad cheating on your mom big whoop, and they're still together. so when you know what a shitty life is like, then you can talk to me.
love Sarah

wow its been awhile...
well here i am again i bet no one even reads this anymore, but it's nice to get my thoughts, feelings and life updates out somehow. facebook is too public there are some things i want to say or express that would probably bother the people on my facebook, so i choose not to say them. well we're 2011 now and once again i begin yet another horrible year with losing a job. i don't know what i'm going to do now that tonys not here to help me. but at the same time i'm much much happier without him, unemployment or not. i found someone i really love but who is equally unloving back, unappreciative and therefore worthless. i had to get the guy a job at my now ex-job. i do admit though that he is the hottest thing i've ever had my hands on. even though i rarely get to enjoy that fact, seeing as my unemployment causes our relationship to be non-existent because we don't work together anymore. sometimes i think that he is more trouble than he's worth, but i really do love him with all my heart despite everything, and no one can make me laugh and smile and be as happy as i am with him. i can honestly and cornily say that he is the light of my life, but it seems like that lights going to go out soon. i think i'm already at the point in life where i know with him, forever's just not gonna happen with him. i want it, i see it, but he doesn't. he can't even be in a real relationship with me. our relationship is the mutated baby of love and friendship. not quite a relationship, but more than a friendship. that's his demented choice, not mine, but technically i guess it is my choice also since i choose to tolerate it, but trust me, i would rather have it be legit. he is a giant puss who doesn't want to commit to me completely so he won't be obligated to do anything for me or anything a boyfriend is obligated to do. it just seems to me like i lost everything when i lost my job. i was making a new friend and she hasn't been talking to me or hanging out with me since i got fired, and now he is practically invisible in my life. i just hope everything turns around soon, that i will find a job and everything will get better. i'll see him, i'll get a car, i'll pay off all my debts and i'll have money and be happy again. or i'll find someone better than him. i just want to find the one. after him i swear i won't jump into a relationship again until i find the right guy. it's hard though, because sometimes they just weirdly fall into my lap right after i get out of a really horrible relationship. i just don't know what to do anymore. i really don't. my life is just one sad story after another. once i get up on my feet towards the path of success or at least happiness, here comes good old bad luck to smack me down where i belong. the ground. i'm getting to the point where i'm ready to just give up on everything. just walk away and say i'm done. but maybe if i hold on long enough, a miracle will happen and maybe there just might be something good in store. something worth holding on for. maybe there's more than just this, maybe there is a light at the end of this dark, cold tunnel after all. but i have to wait if i want to see...
love Sarah

another ignored yet cataloged day...
well today was very very hot. insert duh! here. i sweated and smelled like it, worked my 8 hours. back to the register, which i missed say prince charming. managed to keep my cool and not explode with happiness. i managed not to shake and get too nervous. i was quite composed. still can't help feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and fall at his feet. having people around to take my mind off the fact really helps. right now tony is upstairs watching his little brother, while i type away, awaiting sleep. i have to go to work at 7 tomorrow. it's going to be a long day. another 8 hours. i have to remember to make another dmv appt. i can't believe i failed the fucking driving test twice. this is my last chance i think. anyway, missy the hamster is running around in her hamster ball, she loves it. skitty loves watching her even though i know she wants to eat her. but she's too dumb to ever figure out how to get the hamster out of the ball. though i am sure she tries hard with her kitty mind to think of a way. all i've been doing is working, sleeping, shopping with mom. visiting mom. hanging out alot with my mom lately. never a bad thing. i love her, though sometimes we argue about stuff or driving with her frustrates me. i can't wait to get my license and a radio in my car so i can go cruising around by myself or with tony. though i doubt he would go. i could cruise with omar i bet. but getting stopped by the cops without a license is the only thing holding me back. besides, who wants to cruise without music? but i have so many things to take care of. my insurance and my tags and blah blah. registering it in my name. so much money. the radio will have to be the last thing. should have been the first. tomorrow i'm going to be all rested for the early morning, grab some starbucks and be pretty and peppy at work. i'm usually only one or the other. damn it's already almost one. i didn't expect to go to sleep so late. but then it's good because if i go to sleep too early i tend to wake up in the middle of night and then can't get back to sleep. so it's all good. i guess that's life right now. it could be so much better, but as of right now. it's all good.
love Sarah

sharp disaster in a fresh new coma
well since no one i know in real life reads this, i can always let loose when i really have something to say. but it's not one of those days today. i'm just bored, passing time. i discovered a new band, paramore, which i am slowly obsessing over. love the singer. love her hair. going to buy the cd once i get money. my birthday was great, but today was crap. don't you just hate when people are just assholes? not like something made them that way, that's just they way they are. complete dicks 24/7 for absoutely no reason. at least no reason for them to take it out on you. i hate those kind of people. tomorrow i have the day off, and i'm glad, so i don't have to deal with the bitch i speak of. annoying. things like people not liking be or being dicks to me used to make me want to cry. now they just piss me off and i strive to rid the world of them. now i just give them the finger and keep on walking. ignore them if i can't get them out of my sight. i am sad that i never find the time to type down my thoughts anymore. i guess i just feel like no one listens. most people know about myspace, not livejournal. it is easier to make friends there. but i don't write my thoughts, because anyone can see them, friends or family. i'd rather a stranger know of my thoughts, rather than someone who i know. besides if one of them makes me mad, where will my thoughts go then? i come here. i can write freely. for my thoughts, fuck myspace. it is for me to pass the time, find old friends. this is my sanctuary where i can write what i'm feeling and know i won't hear anything about it the next day. i know i won't be judged. i just wish more people would say hello. or how are you. once in a while. i promise i will try to update more.:) promise.
love Sarah

i love a good party
well here i am forced awake by the world. it sucks. i wish that when i was sleepy i could shut out the world and hear nothing. just sleep peacefully without interruptions. that would be so nice. but anyway, here i am with the cave door closed alone. i like it that way. i feel like fiona apple today. today is issac's birthday party, and i can't wait. it's going to be so much fun. i can't wait to go eat. i'm tired of being hungry around here. being bored. but i have to wait till 4. i'm debating whether or not to drink while i'm there. i think maybe i won't. i hope frank will be there too, by himself like that one time. but whether he shows up or not, i'll have fun. i just miss him sometimes. i always miss hector and susie and issac and adam when i leave their parties. i just love them so much and i want to stay and live with them and never leave and always feel the happiness that i feel when i am with them. but at least i can feel that happiness every party i go to. i love it. hector's funny when he's drunk and i love to sing with susie. i love how they give me the stage and want me to sing for them every party. right now i'm just kicking back and enjoying my day off. i should go i have to get ready and finish reading my magazine. :)
love Sarah

update on me
okay well it's been forever, haven't been much inspired to write. been writing in my myspace blog when i do though. i was really disappointed that nobody commented on my last entry. i really wanted feedback on that issue. but oh well. but i guess when i write things like that and nobody says anything, i tend to write less because i think no one is listening or that no one cares. so i don't write as much as i used to. i haven't even got any new friends. but whatcha gonna do. i wrote this poem though. here it is:
it's amusing how you think

you think i'm going to stay

though i love you

i know what you really are

you are the dead end street

the joyride car bursting in flames

there is so much i can conceal

i can push my hatred deep inside me

you never know it's there until it aches

revealing itself in the truth of my words

but then i'll lie to keep you satisfied

until i know that we are truly done

you will know my words are real

when you find yourself alone

because in my mind i know

you will never change

you'll always be selfish

unappreciative of my love

never what i always wanted

for i feel you're not the one

at least i can say i tried

in vain

you are unforgivable


i hope you find someone

to put up with your bullshit

because this time i'm gone

and believe me when i say

i won't come back to you again

you can never say to me

i didn't give you more than enough chances

i've given you plenty

my dear

only to end up back where i started

time after time

i'll always know in the end

that i love you

but i'm through....

**i was really pissed when i wrote it. everything has been going okay, but i still want to leave here and be by myself. at least, live by myself. i love tony, and i don't really want to leave him. but i am tired of feeling unappreciated and fighting. we haven't fought in a while, but when we do it is hell. i'm tired of being bugged for sex when i don't want it, then fighting about it. i'm tired of his mom yelling at me for stupid shit, like not wanting to feed her 3 cats when i only have one. i'm tired of all the dogs and cats that aren't mine, and the fact i can't have anymore pets because there are too many animals here. i'm just plain tired of living here with these people. with any people. i need to have my own living space to breathe. dealing with people is driving me crazy. i'm tired of all the problems. if i could live by myself i will truly feel at peace. maybe a bit lonely, but peaceful and quiet, serene. i can't wait. but tony doesn't know how bad i want to leave. but until i drive and get another job and can afford to move out and do, he won't know of my plans. but i'm hoping to be out of here before or by january. as much as i love tony and his mom, they drive me fucking crazy. for that i hate them, and i think it would be better for me to leave. if tony wants to stay with me, i would love that, but if he wants to break up because i'm moving out, then what can i do. just as long as i get out i will be happy. it would be nice to stay together. maybe he'd appreciate all the things i do for him if he had to do them himself. i can't wait!!! but he told me when i moved out the last time, if i ever left him again, it would be over. but i doubt it, i think he needs me more than he thinks. and as sad as he'd be that i'm moving out, i think he'd be sadder to not be with me anymore. i know he loves me too much to just call it quits like that. but i know it would kill him for me to move out, but i just can't do it anymore. it's too fucking hard, too much bullshit. as much i love waking up to him and having his company. there are the days when i want to murder him, or i just hate him so much. i don't want that. i would rather live separately than ever hate him as much as i have. i love him so much. i don't want to feel like that towards him. but anyway, until all that unfolds, i will try to enjoy my time here with him. i will treasure it and hold it close to my heart. i'm going to miss it dearly. but i need to do this to be sane. i need to figure things out and just have my space right now. i've been hanging out with new friends and having fun. i went to my first club, and i had SO much fun. it was an 80's club and it was great. i feel so alive when i do these things. but what makes me sad is i'm never doing them with tony. i'm always hearing, where's your boyfriend? or why didn't you bring your boyfriend? and all i can say is he doesn't like to have fun. this makes me so sad, and it makes me feel so lonely. but tony will never care, nor understand how important it is to me to have fun with him, to go places with him. it's one of the reasons i want to leave him sometimes. i have lots of them. but i know i still love him and until that candle burns out, i will be with him. there's so many things in my life where i think, man that's sad. but i am hoping to wind it up and bring my life back to life. i want to change all that. i guess i just want to live. i want to have fun. i want to be loved. but above all else, i just want to be happy.

-love Sarah

why he left me...case closed (PLEASE COMMENT!!!)
i wrote:

ok. well after all these years, I need to ask something of you. I promise that this will be the last time I will try to talk to you. I won't bother you anymore after this. I have felt like shit ever since you left me, though I have moved on. it is always in the back of my head and has caused me a lot of trouble in my new relationship. it is all because I have no closure. it's like walking around with an open wound and not knowing why. I need you to either tell me why you left me or at least explain it to me so I can understand. I need to put my demons to rest, and only you can help me do that. if you ever cared for me at all, even if just a tiny bit, you will tell me what I need to know so that I can bury this and let it die. I guess it was easier for you, since you were not the one who was left. it was a first for me, so I guess it took a toll. but nonetheless, this is something I would like to put behind me. forever. I won't forget, but I at least want to know if it was my fault or not. I want to understand it, and throw away all of the whys and what ifs. only then will I be able to completely move on, and put my mind, heart and soul to rest about it all. so if you have any human decency like I think you do, or just a fucking heart, you will write back and tell me everything. please.

he wrote back:

U want an answer I'll give u an answer. It all started when u fucked up and and didn't tell me you were still with your other boy. Then it just continued with all the flirting and it wasn't with me. All are relationship was just based on sex. Other then that we were nothing. And that's not what I wanted. I wanted everything to be different. All u wanted to be was a lil girl that never wanted to grow up. I wanted a lady to us her brain and finish school. I didn't want a high school drop out. That would have made our lifes hell if we would have gotten married. I thought I was able to open ur eyes and see what was better for us but u never seen what was best. And I couldn't do it anymore. That's why I didn't give u an explaination because I thought u were smart enough to figure it out but I guess I was wrong again. See we were never a good pair to start with and I finally realized it. U know I gotten in to so many fights with my dad because of u and I't wasn't worth it. Nothing is worth my family and that was shit on ur part to make me choose between u and them. I even lost all respect from my dad. That just broke me to piece's that my dad was so disapointed of me being with u. See everyone seen that we were nothing together. After we broke up it was a breath of fresh air. And I got my shit together and graduated. I met my fiance and I have never been happier. I am in college and I work my ass off. I got the respect from my family again and I am supported by my family and my girl in whatever I want to do in life. So sorry to be so blunt about everything but it is what it is and I'm not going to be nice about it anymore. So u wanted to know what happened between us. Well there it is all in a nut shell.

my feelings: ouch. whatever. asshole. he's stupid. but i'm glad it's done. my questions were answered. he was an idiot and i meant nothing to him. CASE CLOSED FOREVER!! thank you myspace.

love Sarah

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