I Want Your Love And I Want Your Revenge....

I Don't Want To Be Friends, I Want Your Bad Romance


20 year old nothing
lovemeleaveme
today is my birthday. i am 20 years old. i'm not getting anything or doing anything. this birthday sucks.

love Sarah

nothing...that's what friends are for
lovemeleaveme
i'm so sad. my birthday is coming up and i should be happy. but i'm losing a person i thought was my best friend. but she is nothing to me now. i can't help feeling so shitty about it. of all of the people in the world to ever forget about me and to ever make me feel like i didn't matter or wasn't there, i never ever thought it would be her. but like i said, all friends are walking disappointments. i don't need any more disappointment in my life. but sandra was like a sister to me, she was a part of me. for her to make me feel like that is a stab in the heart. my heart is bleeding and breaking, but all i can do is cry. it hurts so much. i feel like nobody really understands me. she was the only one, but now there is no one. it's so hard to get over, we were friends since the 9th grade and we were close. not just friends, we were family. but now all that is nothing. it's all crap, down the drain. that in itself is sad. so after my birthday i'm going to cut her off, she will no longer be my friend. officially. i'm done with wondering if she's ever going to call me, tired of only talking to her on my birthday and christmas. it's pointless. so now i'm done with "friends". forever.
love Sarah

everytime you give yourself away, it comes back to haunt you
lovemeleaveme
bored and waiting for my friend to pick me up for work. she's supposed to be here at 6pm. i hope she's still coming. i have no other ride. well tony's stupid friends still haven't called to say that they're coming for the 4th. nothing. i hope they're not coming so i can stay home and spend tomorrow with tony. it would be so nice. like it was last year. we ate barbecque and watched the fireworks from the roof and then screwed like there was no tomorrow. it was so great. but i'm trying hard not to get my hopes up because i still am not sure whether or not it's going to happen. knowing my luck, they will come. i just really really hope hope not. gosh, what a wonderful thing if it happened. i'm going to my sister's once i find out that they're coming. on other things, i'm going to try to get a 1,500 dollar puppy out of my dad for my birthday. it's a long shot, but it might happen. i really want something to keep me company. something i can play with and lay around with too. so what better than a papillon puppy? they are adorable! but pricey. but i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get one. i need one. well i guess that's all for now, i'm going to keep trying to call her and get to work. i'll write back tomorrow or tonight.
love Sarah

please say something
lovemeleaveme
well feeling a little down today. i found out grandpa died and even though i don't really care, nobody told me. i had to ask. but i get bored on myspace and check in on the people who i used to know. my ex and people who i once thought were my friends. i find it easier to live without friends these days, all they seem to do is hurt and disappoint me. but all these people i used to know seem so much more happier and fulfilled than me. they look the way i want to. they have lives and don't have to work. they live with their parents and have comfortable lives, never worrying about money or how they're going to eat. never having to pay anything or have to afford a car. it's all done for them. i used to be carefree and loved, and now my world is a struggle. i work and make money and it's gone all in the same day. i have to buy food and pay bills and rent, take care of my cat. tony has to save money for gas and though we have money, we never go out. everyone is living life and i'm sitting watching them live it because i have nothing to do except sit at home on my computer. and i find this so sad. i feel so sorry for myself and i wish i could live like them. without a care in the world. drinking and having fun. laughing and smiling. things i used to do. now i seem forever irritable. never changing. always in the same spot. i work and i come home and that is it. nothing more, nothing less. and this makes me feel like nothing. i feel like my youth is wasted. i have already wasted so many precious years that i was supposed to use for having the time of my life. i still feel like my life has never been the same since he left me. i haven't been okay since. i feel miserable and empty. i'm not myself and i don't know if i ever will be again. i feel like i'm walking around dead sometimes. i'm dead on the inside. and i don't know what to do to make this feeling go away. i just want to be happy. i just want to be loved. i wish he still knew i existed. i wish i could stop feeling like this. i'm crying. i haven't cried in so long. i'm alone. and i wish there was someone here to talk to. to make me feel better. but there is no one. i am nothing.
love Sarah

i know why the caged bird sings...
lovemeleaveme
bored, tired, but overall i feel good. today i got to do some 'me' shopping and some gift shopping and i did quite well, considering the fact that i still have money left. i need to put some $$ in my bank and pay my phone/dsl. i'm going to take my driving test hopefully on monday along with that. if not, i'll do it on one of my days off. it just needs to get done because i need to start getting around on my own so i can get another job, and so i can be free. i feel so cooped up in this house all the time, and i feel like i'm going to suffocate and die. me and tony fight over me wanting to go and eat at a restaurant, even if i'm paying or even if it's just denny's around the corner. i am so desperate to get out. so sad that he won't take me anywhere, i'm only human. things like this make me want to leave him just so i can have a life. a real life, where you go out and actually have fun with eachother and be happy. i'm feeling more and more depressed about this, as i never get to go anywhere. at least not with him. the one person i want to go out and have fun with is him, and he'd rather stay home and have me be miserable than to just spend a bit of time and money to take me anywhere. shit i've even offered to pay. he's always saying "i don't want to go out, why are you always trying to make me do things with you?" and i just think like fuck, i gotta fight with him just for him to take me out. and it never happens anyway. the last time we went out was when silent hill first came out, a month or so ago. i'm getting that feeling that perhaps maybe a caged bird has, like i'm slowly dying inside. i feel like he's killing my spirit. and that makes me so sad, because i've told him this, and he doesn't even fucking care. these are things about him that i hate. he doesn't like to do anything, at least not with me. no amusement parks, no regular parks, no taking me to the beach, no taking me for a walk. he won't walk with me to the burger place by our house, the liquor store or not even in the mall. he drives now, but it's just like before. no nothing. but i'm getting to the fed-up point. my goal is to drive, get another job, make enough money to move out on my own, by myself. whether or not he wants to stay with me, is his choice. i would stay with him, but he said that if i ever moved out he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. but i highly doubt that. he loves me to much to just let go like that. shit when i try to get rid of him he sure as hell doesn't want to let me go, so i doubt if i just moved out that he would feel any different. he could just see me whenever he wants. i would stay in bellflower, i love it here. or maybe go to cerritos. but it's so close. and i'll be able to come see him too. i still love him, but right now i think i need to live alone and think about everything. living with him has been so stressful, but also full of tremendous love. i never felt so loved, just so utterly warmed from the inside out. but i also felt other things i never felt before. bad things. but we've been trying to make it all work, compromising and talking about how we feel. we've done so much crying, so much forgiving, so much arguing. but i know he's trying, not always hard enough, but i know he wants us to be together and work it out. he's willing to change things so we can both be happy. after two years, we're finally learning to work together and to try to make things right for both of us. he thinks i'm trying to tell him what to do, but i'm trying so fucking hard to keep this relationship alfloat. it's been fighting not to drown for so long, and it's still hanging on. still on the life raft. i plan to keep it that way. it would be a huge waste of time to leave it dying there. but i think we've come together for a reason, like fate. whether to be together or to learn from eachother, we are here for a reason. and i hope that reason shows itself sometime soon. it's time to put my life together, and i need to know if he's going to be a part of it or not. i hope that we could stay friends after if it ends though. i love him so fucking much. it would hurt to see him with someone else, but i wouldn't be able to not see him anymore. we love eachother alot and we are so close. but i doubt that we'll talk if it ends. the thought would be nice though. but i love him and i'll know in my heart when it's over. no matter what i say or think, or what anyone else says or thinks. i'll know when it's done. it's not there yet. but all in time as i always say.
love Sarah

PS: COMMENTS PEOPLE!!! ARE YOU LISTENING??? LET ME KNOW! HELLO?? DOES ANYONE READ THIS SHIT? ARGGHH!!

it's all good
lovemeleaveme
been feeling good lately. good at work, good at home. besides the peroidical "get-away-from-me" mood swing. i tend to crave my privacy at times. i like to be alone nowadays. i've been spending majority of my waking hours working, or with my sister. the rest, with tony. sleep isn't a luxury anymore, just something to keep me coherent. i got a bank account, and helped my sister get a restraining order on her crazy tweeker husband. i'm dreading 4th of july, but at the same time relieved that it will be gone soon. trying to get my life together so that i am moderately happy, and so far it is working. tony and me fighting is no longer an all the time thing, just a once in a long while explosion. i've been making alot of money and have been putting it to good use, but i still spend it within a couple of days. tony has been reimbursing me for things i buy for us though, so it's all good. things have been good. i guess that's the bottom line. i'm watching my friend's kids on saturday out in hemet. i'm making 50 bucks, and extra money is something that never comes along. god knows i need it. but i'm going to put it in the bank, so that i have emergency money. having a bank account is doing what i thought it would, keeping my money from burning a hole in my pocket. just what i need. it feels good to know i'm not completely broke. i'm still waiting for them to send my garfield checks and my atm card. this is my last check to spend before our rent goes up. i think i'm going to buy those marilyn books i wanted online and that makeup from sephora i've been holding out on. it's going to be like 200 dollars, but i feel like i need them before i can never get them again. i need a printer too, but i don't know if i'll be able to afford it all on this check. i hope so, so i can be all set to no longer splurge. i will have alot of things i need. or want. but either way i won't be tempted to buy them. i'm going to my sister's today, but i still need to shower and try to throw a load in the washer. it feels good to have the day off.
love Sarah

i love my job, big day
lovemeleaveme
well here i am in the room by myself waiting for tony to come to bed so i can do the same. tomorrow i'm actually going to do something on my day off. i'm going to work with my sister (i love her!) and then after to my friend ericka's to kick back. it's going to be a great day. and then i'll come home to my baby, and we'll be happy together. he might be grumpy or tired, but i know i'll get some...lol. well it's just nice to know that i'll have a really good day, tiring, but good. i have to wake up all early to go with my sister, 8am kills me! and then straight to ericka's. i hope i don't get tired at her house. but i'm sure she'd have coffee or something to pep me up. tony's stupid friend that we've been fighting because of is here, but at least i won't have to see himn at all tomorrow. i'll be gone and tony will take him home when he goes to work. so no worries. but i really wish he wasn't here right now but like i always say, i have to compromise. i had to leave work early today because me and tony were arguing on the phone, and i couldn't stop crying. and when i did, my eyes were all red and then alicia (thank god for her) asked me if i wanted to go home early. i said yes and brought the drama and tears where it belongs, at home. i can usually shrug it off if it's not too serious. but i remember once i cried after i argued with my dad when he dropped me off and i had to walk into work with tears. i went straight to the bathroom, composed myself, and worked. eventually i felt okay. but it's so hard for me to stop crying once i've started these days. i just have so much held in, that when it leaks out, it all wants to come out at the same time. but i don't let it. i just have no one to really open up to and just let it ALL out anymore. sandra used to be that person, but now she's non-existent. and tony is usually the reason why i'm crying, so i'm fucked. i told daisy, ericka and alicia what i was upset about and alicia said she completely understands, and daisy said i don't deserve that and to leave the asshole, and ericka just heard me out and comforted me. daisy and ericka group hugged me and i felt a bit better. daisy said smart and final hug! and i started laughing. but i just kept thinking about all the fucked up things with me and tony and the tears kept coming. it's nice to know that i work with people who really care about me and who comfort me and help me out if i need it. if it were anywhere else, they would probably tell me to keep my problems at home and get over it and keep working. everyone is so loving and like my family, and it's nice to know that i have people to give me advice and to just listen. i can't ever imagine working anywhere else, i love them all so much. we're all like brothers and sisters, we all take care of eachother, and help eachother. it's just such a wonderfully warm atmosphere. i'm never going to quit working there. i just hope they never transfer me to another store in the future, i love it there. damn, when's tony going to come to sleep? i'm so tired, but i swear to god, i cannot go to sleep unless that boy is next to me. i think it's so weird. but he says he's the same too. last night when i was at my sister's, he said he couldn't sleep either after i told him that i couldn't. i think we're so attachedto eachother we're just not comfortable when the other isn't there. that's love...i think. lol. goodnight.
love Sarah

god help me
lovemeleaveme
here at my sister's house and i'm so tired, but i can't sleep. i wish i was at home. i had to come and spend the night over here because tony is a fucking jackass. he pisses me off so much. i'm wondering if i should try to sleep or if i should stay awake all night. i have to go to work tomorrow. but i'm so pissed and aggravated i don't know if i should sleep. i miss my bed. i'll be sleeping on blankets on the floor tonight with my sister and the kids. there's not even any space for me to lay down. maybe i'll take the couch. god it'd be easier if i just stayed awake. but i shouldn't. i'm not going to talk to shithead tomorrow at all. i'll take the bus if i have to. i don't care how hot it is. this is unforgivable. i'm not going to talk to him for a while no matter how much he tries to get me to. fuck him. i'm wondering if i should move in with my sister so i don't have to deal with his shit. but then i'll have to deal with all of my sister's own drama. i'd be in the middle of it. unless she ever leaves luis. god knows when that will happen. someday i hope. my butt is going numb. and my spine hurts from sitting on the floor. i wish i could go home and just be by myself and go to sleep. i wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow. i just want to sleep and do nothing and be left alone. but i will have to ignore him and bus it to work. i fucking hate him. he doesn't care about anyone but himself. i'm never going to be happy with him. but i've been trying so hard to make this all work. but it think it's impossible. there is NO way to compromise with him. no negotiations. he just thinks he's being told what to do, when he's being told what will make us both happy. but he never listens to me. that's the fucking bottom line. he never listens to me. i just wish i lived alone. i can't wait till i do. i will be happy then. or at least live with someone i can actually live with. anyone but him. i will never be able to get along with him living in the same house. never. i wish i was alone. no boyfriend to give me drama, no one to argue with. just serenity and silence and peace. that's what i need. yet somehow a part of me still wishes i were home with him in my bed, sleeping and comfortable. but i know if i were there now i wouldn't be any more comfortable than i am here right now. it would be the same thing. i would be pissed wishing i were someplace else. tired and unable to sleep. i just want to feel like i'm at home. i just want to have a home, and be home. my own home. i just want to be happy.
love Sarah

is something wrong with me, something wrong with you, i really wish i knew
lovemeleaveme
okay, well everything is okay now. tony's friend is just down here for a few days, and he's not spending the night here, thank god. i don't have to go to my sister's or anything. i'm kind of hoping his friend won't come over tomorrow though. i go to work 2-6 and tony 9-5. so when i get off work, tony's friend would want to come over, and then he'd be here when i was here. i hate his guts, so i hope that doesn't happen. tony's asleep right now and i'm so glad that it started to cool down. i'm so relieved about everything, and i'm happy that my sister has been calling me lately just to see what i'm doing. that shows me that she misses me when i'm not around. it makes me so so so happy! god i'm just like filled with this wonderful feeling. even though i'm alone. me and tony had sex like 3 times and i loved it. today was an overall good day, besides the whole friend thing. work was okay, when i got home everything was fine, and now i feel great. i just wish i had someone to hug right now. i miss my damion. he gave me the best hug, even though he almost squeezed me to death. but no one has hugged me like that in a while. i feel so good right now i wish i had someone to share it with. on another good note, i searched like crazy last night and there are some leads in me finding gordy. there is a christina m. turrietta is fountain valley who is 19. it has to be her. but i couldn't get the number or anything because i had to pay. but i think i could call information or something to get it somehow. i also found a c.ortiz in anaheim, who could be gordy's cousin and who might know where she is. and i got her parents' house number so i could see if they'd tell me where she is. i doubt it, but it's worth a try. they are such evil people. they took my love away. but i hope that maybe this will lead to something and i will find her. if not i will have to hire a p.i. to look for her. drastic, but i need her back. i wonder if she still remembers me. maybe she has a new life and she forgot. but i will never forget her, and until i see her again, i never will. i can't wait to get paid. i hate not having money, but it's my own fault for always spending all of it. oh well. you live, you learn. and i'm still learning.
love Sarah

i'm left here bleeding, oh what went wrong?
lovemeleaveme
and of course, my little world is invaded. one of tony stupid friends came over. it's like speak of the devil, because i was talking to my sister about this the other day. i said, watch since tony hasn't called them with the new number they're just going to pop in all of a sudden. and lo and behold, one of them shows up today. god i'm so aggravated. but i have to go to work soon. in like an hour, but i'm worried because i don't hear anything in the other room. i don't know if tony left or where they are in the house. he hasn't told me what's going on. is he staying, is he going, how long, how many? will he be gone before or after i go to work? i'm hoping tony took him home, or that he will be gone when i come home from work. i just want to come home and be comfortable and i can't do that if someone is here. i need to know what's going on. i need to know right now. but tony hasn't come in the room to tell me anything. he also could be outside on the porch. it's so hot in the house. or he could be gone. i wish i knew. i guess i'll find out when it's time for me to go to work. god this is killing me. my hands are shaking like crazy because i'm mad. damn it's scaring me. i haven't shook like this for a long time. the last time i did was when that fucker i hate came by for tony and i told him to never come back. except then my whole body was shaking like crazy. not just my hands. i thought the music might soothe me, but i need to know what the fuck is going on before i can calm down. i'm wondering if i should open the door to see where they are and find out. but i hate the motherfucker and i don't want to have to say hi to him. or see his fucking face. i have personal reasons for hating him, and it has nothing to do with tony. but tony doesn't understand that i hate the very fiber of his supposed friends' being. he fucked with my things, something that belonged to my brother, and then lied to me to my face about it. and that is unforgiveable. then he blamed tony and i got so pissed at him for nothing. and all of that, i can't forgive. he also got tweek delivered to our house when we were both at work. and that is beyond ever forgiving. but here he comes and tony welcomes him with open arms. if it was my friend, they wouldn't be allowed near my house. but he's so dumb, it's like it doesn't phase him. and that makes me pissed. he hates when people do fucked up shit to him or say fucked up shit, and when it's me it's the end of the world. but when it's his friends, it's like it never happened. i forgive no one for fucked up shit unless they're family. blood. but they are nothing to him. but i hope he'll learn soon that they don't care about him as much as i do, and that i am more important. i am his everything and all that he will probably ever have. he won't ever get someone as good as me. someone who will take his shit and let him break things and even them. he broke my wrist and here i am. loving him just as much as i ever did. i know it's wrong. but here i am. miss forgive. but i love him and friend love isn't the same as real love. and we have real love. or are at least very close to it. but i need to him know that i am real, and his friends are not. they mean nothing compared to me. they care nothing compared to me. and i am everything and they are nothing. and that's the way it is. when he needs someone i will be there, and nobody else. his family of course, but always me. once he realizes that, everything else will fade away and mean nothing. and we will be happy together. i know that now. all i need is my immediate family and him and everyone here and that's it. nothing else matters, no one else will be there. i don't need anyone else.
love Sarah

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