- June 25th, 2006
bored, tired, but overall i feel good. today i got to do some 'me' shopping and some gift shopping and i did quite well, considering the fact that i still have money left. i need to put some $$ in my bank and pay my phone/dsl. i'm going to take my driving test hopefully on monday along with that. if not, i'll do it on one of my days off. it just needs to get done because i need to start getting around on my own so i can get another job, and so i can be free. i feel so cooped up in this house all the time, and i feel like i'm going to suffocate and die. me and tony fight over me wanting to go and eat at a restaurant, even if i'm paying or even if it's just denny's around the corner. i am so desperate to get out. so sad that he won't take me anywhere, i'm only human. things like this make me want to leave him just so i can have a life. a real life, where you go out and actually have fun with eachother and be happy. i'm feeling more and more depressed about this, as i never get to go anywhere. at least not with him. the one person i want to go out and have fun with is him, and he'd rather stay home and have me be miserable than to just spend a bit of time and money to take me anywhere. shit i've even offered to pay. he's always saying "i don't want to go out, why are you always trying to make me do things with you?" and i just think like fuck, i gotta fight with him just for him to take me out. and it never happens anyway. the last time we went out was when silent hill first came out, a month or so ago. i'm getting that feeling that perhaps maybe a caged bird has, like i'm slowly dying inside. i feel like he's killing my spirit. and that makes me so sad, because i've told him this, and he doesn't even fucking care. these are things about him that i hate. he doesn't like to do anything, at least not with me. no amusement parks, no regular parks, no taking me to the beach, no taking me for a walk. he won't walk with me to the burger place by our house, the liquor store or not even in the mall. he drives now, but it's just like before. no nothing. but i'm getting to the fed-up point. my goal is to drive, get another job, make enough money to move out on my own, by myself. whether or not he wants to stay with me, is his choice. i would stay with him, but he said that if i ever moved out he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. but i highly doubt that. he loves me to much to just let go like that. shit when i try to get rid of him he sure as hell doesn't want to let me go, so i doubt if i just moved out that he would feel any different. he could just see me whenever he wants. i would stay in bellflower, i love it here. or maybe go to cerritos. but it's so close. and i'll be able to come see him too. i still love him, but right now i think i need to live alone and think about everything. living with him has been so stressful, but also full of tremendous love. i never felt so loved, just so utterly warmed from the inside out. but i also felt other things i never felt before. bad things. but we've been trying to make it all work, compromising and talking about how we feel. we've done so much crying, so much forgiving, so much arguing. but i know he's trying, not always hard enough, but i know he wants us to be together and work it out. he's willing to change things so we can both be happy. after two years, we're finally learning to work together and to try to make things right for both of us. he thinks i'm trying to tell him what to do, but i'm trying so fucking hard to keep this relationship alfloat. it's been fighting not to drown for so long, and it's still hanging on. still on the life raft. i plan to keep it that way. it would be a huge waste of time to leave it dying there. but i think we've come together for a reason, like fate. whether to be together or to learn from eachother, we are here for a reason. and i hope that reason shows itself sometime soon. it's time to put my life together, and i need to know if he's going to be a part of it or not. i hope that we could stay friends after if it ends though. i love him so fucking much. it would hurt to see him with someone else, but i wouldn't be able to not see him anymore. we love eachother alot and we are so close. but i doubt that we'll talk if it ends. the thought would be nice though. but i love him and i'll know in my heart when it's over. no matter what i say or think, or what anyone else says or thinks. i'll know when it's done. it's not there yet. but all in time as i always say.
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