I Want Your Love And I Want Your Revenge....

I Don't Want To Be Friends, I Want Your Bad Romance

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update on me
okay well it's been forever, haven't been much inspired to write. been writing in my myspace blog when i do though. i was really disappointed that nobody commented on my last entry. i really wanted feedback on that issue. but oh well. but i guess when i write things like that and nobody says anything, i tend to write less because i think no one is listening or that no one cares. so i don't write as much as i used to. i haven't even got any new friends. but whatcha gonna do. i wrote this poem though. here it is:
it's amusing how you think

you think i'm going to stay

though i love you

i know what you really are

you are the dead end street

the joyride car bursting in flames

there is so much i can conceal

i can push my hatred deep inside me

you never know it's there until it aches

revealing itself in the truth of my words

but then i'll lie to keep you satisfied

until i know that we are truly done

you will know my words are real

when you find yourself alone

because in my mind i know

you will never change

you'll always be selfish

unappreciative of my love

never what i always wanted

for i feel you're not the one

at least i can say i tried

in vain

you are unforgivable


i hope you find someone

to put up with your bullshit

because this time i'm gone

and believe me when i say

i won't come back to you again

you can never say to me

i didn't give you more than enough chances

i've given you plenty

my dear

only to end up back where i started

time after time

i'll always know in the end

that i love you

but i'm through....

**i was really pissed when i wrote it. everything has been going okay, but i still want to leave here and be by myself. at least, live by myself. i love tony, and i don't really want to leave him. but i am tired of feeling unappreciated and fighting. we haven't fought in a while, but when we do it is hell. i'm tired of being bugged for sex when i don't want it, then fighting about it. i'm tired of his mom yelling at me for stupid shit, like not wanting to feed her 3 cats when i only have one. i'm tired of all the dogs and cats that aren't mine, and the fact i can't have anymore pets because there are too many animals here. i'm just plain tired of living here with these people. with any people. i need to have my own living space to breathe. dealing with people is driving me crazy. i'm tired of all the problems. if i could live by myself i will truly feel at peace. maybe a bit lonely, but peaceful and quiet, serene. i can't wait. but tony doesn't know how bad i want to leave. but until i drive and get another job and can afford to move out and do, he won't know of my plans. but i'm hoping to be out of here before or by january. as much as i love tony and his mom, they drive me fucking crazy. for that i hate them, and i think it would be better for me to leave. if tony wants to stay with me, i would love that, but if he wants to break up because i'm moving out, then what can i do. just as long as i get out i will be happy. it would be nice to stay together. maybe he'd appreciate all the things i do for him if he had to do them himself. i can't wait!!! but he told me when i moved out the last time, if i ever left him again, it would be over. but i doubt it, i think he needs me more than he thinks. and as sad as he'd be that i'm moving out, i think he'd be sadder to not be with me anymore. i know he loves me too much to just call it quits like that. but i know it would kill him for me to move out, but i just can't do it anymore. it's too fucking hard, too much bullshit. as much i love waking up to him and having his company. there are the days when i want to murder him, or i just hate him so much. i don't want that. i would rather live separately than ever hate him as much as i have. i love him so much. i don't want to feel like that towards him. but anyway, until all that unfolds, i will try to enjoy my time here with him. i will treasure it and hold it close to my heart. i'm going to miss it dearly. but i need to do this to be sane. i need to figure things out and just have my space right now. i've been hanging out with new friends and having fun. i went to my first club, and i had SO much fun. it was an 80's club and it was great. i feel so alive when i do these things. but what makes me sad is i'm never doing them with tony. i'm always hearing, where's your boyfriend? or why didn't you bring your boyfriend? and all i can say is he doesn't like to have fun. this makes me so sad, and it makes me feel so lonely. but tony will never care, nor understand how important it is to me to have fun with him, to go places with him. it's one of the reasons i want to leave him sometimes. i have lots of them. but i know i still love him and until that candle burns out, i will be with him. there's so many things in my life where i think, man that's sad. but i am hoping to wind it up and bring my life back to life. i want to change all that. i guess i just want to live. i want to have fun. i want to be loved. but above all else, i just want to be happy.

-love Sarah


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