| another ignored yet cataloged day... |
[Aug. 18th, 2007|12:45 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | computer chair in my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nothing but the fan blowing air at me | ] |
well today was very very hot. insert duh! here. i sweated and smelled like it, worked my 8 hours. back to the register, which i missed say prince charming. managed to keep my cool and not explode with happiness. i managed not to shake and get too nervous. i was quite composed. still can't help feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and fall at his feet. having people around to take my mind off the fact really helps. right now tony is upstairs watching his little brother, while i type away, awaiting sleep. i have to go to work at 7 tomorrow. it's going to be a long day. another 8 hours. i have to remember to make another dmv appt. i can't believe i failed the fucking driving test twice. this is my last chance i think. anyway, missy the hamster is running around in her hamster ball, she loves it. skitty loves watching her even though i know she wants to eat her. but she's too dumb to ever figure out how to get the hamster out of the ball. though i am sure she tries hard with her kitty mind to think of a way. all i've been doing is working, sleeping, shopping with mom. visiting mom. hanging out alot with my mom lately. never a bad thing. i love her, though sometimes we argue about stuff or driving with her frustrates me. i can't wait to get my license and a radio in my car so i can go cruising around by myself or with tony. though i doubt he would go. i could cruise with omar i bet. but getting stopped by the cops without a license is the only thing holding me back. besides, who wants to cruise without music? but i have so many things to take care of. my insurance and my tags and blah blah. registering it in my name. so much money. the radio will have to be the last thing. should have been the first. tomorrow i'm going to be all rested for the early morning, grab some starbucks and be pretty and peppy at work. i'm usually only one or the other. damn it's already almost one. i didn't expect to go to sleep so late. but then it's good because if i go to sleep too early i tend to wake up in the middle of night and then can't get back to sleep. so it's all good. i guess that's life right now. it could be so much better, but as of right now. it's all good.
love Sarah |
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| sharp disaster in a fresh new coma |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|12:34 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | paramore | ] |
well since no one i know in real life reads this, i can always let loose when i really have something to say. but it's not one of those days today. i'm just bored, passing time. i discovered a new band, paramore, which i am slowly obsessing over. love the singer. love her hair. going to buy the cd once i get money. my birthday was great, but today was crap. don't you just hate when people are just assholes? not like something made them that way, that's just they way they are. complete dicks 24/7 for absoutely no reason. at least no reason for them to take it out on you. i hate those kind of people. tomorrow i have the day off, and i'm glad, so i don't have to deal with the bitch i speak of. annoying. things like people not liking be or being dicks to me used to make me want to cry. now they just piss me off and i strive to rid the world of them. now i just give them the finger and keep on walking. ignore them if i can't get them out of my sight. i am sad that i never find the time to type down my thoughts anymore. i guess i just feel like no one listens. most people know about myspace, not livejournal. it is easier to make friends there. but i don't write my thoughts, because anyone can see them, friends or family. i'd rather a stranger know of my thoughts, rather than someone who i know. besides if one of them makes me mad, where will my thoughts go then? i come here. i can write freely. for my thoughts, fuck myspace. it is for me to pass the time, find old friends. this is my sanctuary where i can write what i'm feeling and know i won't hear anything about it the next day. i know i won't be judged. i just wish more people would say hello. or how are you. once in a while. i promise i will try to update more.:) promise.
love Sarah |
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| i love a good party |
[Oct. 7th, 2006|08:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | all i need -fiona apple | ] |
well here i am forced awake by the world. it sucks. i wish that when i was sleepy i could shut out the world and hear nothing. just sleep peacefully without interruptions. that would be so nice. but anyway, here i am with the cave door closed alone. i like it that way. i feel like fiona apple today. today is issac's birthday party, and i can't wait. it's going to be so much fun. i can't wait to go eat. i'm tired of being hungry around here. being bored. but i have to wait till 4. i'm debating whether or not to drink while i'm there. i think maybe i won't. i hope frank will be there too, by himself like that one time. but whether he shows up or not, i'll have fun. i just miss him sometimes. i always miss hector and susie and issac and adam when i leave their parties. i just love them so much and i want to stay and live with them and never leave and always feel the happiness that i feel when i am with them. but at least i can feel that happiness every party i go to. i love it. hector's funny when he's drunk and i love to sing with susie. i love how they give me the stage and want me to sing for them every party. right now i'm just kicking back and enjoying my day off. i should go i have to get ready and finish reading my magazine. :)
love Sarah |
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| update on me |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|01:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | complacent | ] |
okay well it's been forever, haven't been much inspired to write. been writing in my myspace blog when i do though. i was really disappointed that nobody commented on my last entry. i really wanted feedback on that issue. but oh well. but i guess when i write things like that and nobody says anything, i tend to write less because i think no one is listening or that no one cares. so i don't write as much as i used to. i haven't even got any new friends. but whatcha gonna do. i wrote this poem though. here it is:
it's amusing how you think
you think i'm going to stay
though i love you
i know what you really are
you are the dead end street
the joyride car bursting in flames
there is so much i can conceal
i can push my hatred deep inside me
you never know it's there until it aches
revealing itself in the truth of my words
but then i'll lie to keep you satisfied
until i know that we are truly done
you will know my words are real
when you find yourself alone
because in my mind i know
you will never change
you'll always be selfish
unappreciative of my love
never what i always wanted
for i feel you're not the one
at least i can say i tried
in vain
you are unforgivable
regrettable
i hope you find someone
to put up with your bullshit
because this time i'm gone
and believe me when i say
i won't come back to you again
you can never say to me
i didn't give you more than enough chances
i've given you plenty
my dear
only to end up back where i started
time after time
i'll always know in the end
that i love you
but i'm through....
**i was really pissed when i wrote it. everything has been going okay, but i still want to leave here and be by myself. at least, live by myself. i love tony, and i don't really want to leave him. but i am tired of feeling unappreciated and fighting. we haven't fought in a while, but when we do it is hell. i'm tired of being bugged for sex when i don't want it, then fighting about it. i'm tired of his mom yelling at me for stupid shit, like not wanting to feed her 3 cats when i only have one. i'm tired of all the dogs and cats that aren't mine, and the fact i can't have anymore pets because there are too many animals here. i'm just plain tired of living here with these people. with any people. i need to have my own living space to breathe. dealing with people is driving me crazy. i'm tired of all the problems. if i could live by myself i will truly feel at peace. maybe a bit lonely, but peaceful and quiet, serene. i can't wait. but tony doesn't know how bad i want to leave. but until i drive and get another job and can afford to move out and do, he won't know of my plans. but i'm hoping to be out of here before or by january. as much as i love tony and his mom, they drive me fucking crazy. for that i hate them, and i think it would be better for me to leave. if tony wants to stay with me, i would love that, but if he wants to break up because i'm moving out, then what can i do. just as long as i get out i will be happy. it would be nice to stay together. maybe he'd appreciate all the things i do for him if he had to do them himself. i can't wait!!! but he told me when i moved out the last time, if i ever left him again, it would be over. but i doubt it, i think he needs me more than he thinks. and as sad as he'd be that i'm moving out, i think he'd be sadder to not be with me anymore. i know he loves me too much to just call it quits like that. but i know it would kill him for me to move out, but i just can't do it anymore. it's too fucking hard, too much bullshit. as much i love waking up to him and having his company. there are the days when i want to murder him, or i just hate him so much. i don't want that. i would rather live separately than ever hate him as much as i have. i love him so much. i don't want to feel like that towards him. but anyway, until all that unfolds, i will try to enjoy my time here with him. i will treasure it and hold it close to my heart. i'm going to miss it dearly. but i need to do this to be sane. i need to figure things out and just have my space right now. i've been hanging out with new friends and having fun. i went to my first club, and i had SO much fun. it was an 80's club and it was great. i feel so alive when i do these things. but what makes me sad is i'm never doing them with tony. i'm always hearing, where's your boyfriend? or why didn't you bring your boyfriend? and all i can say is he doesn't like to have fun. this makes me so sad, and it makes me feel so lonely. but tony will never care, nor understand how important it is to me to have fun with him, to go places with him. it's one of the reasons i want to leave him sometimes. i have lots of them. but i know i still love him and until that candle burns out, i will be with him. there's so many things in my life where i think, man that's sad. but i am hoping to wind it up and bring my life back to life. i want to change all that. i guess i just want to live. i want to have fun. i want to be loved. but above all else, i just want to be happy.
-love Sarah |
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| why he left me...case closed (PLEASE COMMENT!!!) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|12:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | best of you -foo fighters | ] |
i wrote:
ok. well after all these years, I need to ask something of you. I promise that this will be the last time I will try to talk to you. I won't bother you anymore after this. I have felt like shit ever since you left me, though I have moved on. it is always in the back of my head and has caused me a lot of trouble in my new relationship. it is all because I have no closure. it's like walking around with an open wound and not knowing why. I need you to either tell me why you left me or at least explain it to me so I can understand. I need to put my demons to rest, and only you can help me do that. if you ever cared for me at all, even if just a tiny bit, you will tell me what I need to know so that I can bury this and let it die. I guess it was easier for you, since you were not the one who was left. it was a first for me, so I guess it took a toll. but nonetheless, this is something I would like to put behind me. forever. I won't forget, but I at least want to know if it was my fault or not. I want to understand it, and throw away all of the whys and what ifs. only then will I be able to completely move on, and put my mind, heart and soul to rest about it all. so if you have any human decency like I think you do, or just a fucking heart, you will write back and tell me everything. please.
-Sarah
he wrote back:
U want an answer I'll give u an answer. It all started when u fucked up and and didn't tell me you were still with your other boy. Then it just continued with all the flirting and it wasn't with me. All are relationship was just based on sex. Other then that we were nothing. And that's not what I wanted. I wanted everything to be different. All u wanted to be was a lil girl that never wanted to grow up. I wanted a lady to us her brain and finish school. I didn't want a high school drop out. That would have made our lifes hell if we would have gotten married. I thought I was able to open ur eyes and see what was better for us but u never seen what was best. And I couldn't do it anymore. That's why I didn't give u an explaination because I thought u were smart enough to figure it out but I guess I was wrong again. See we were never a good pair to start with and I finally realized it. U know I gotten in to so many fights with my dad because of u and I't wasn't worth it. Nothing is worth my family and that was shit on ur part to make me choose between u and them. I even lost all respect from my dad. That just broke me to piece's that my dad was so disapointed of me being with u. See everyone seen that we were nothing together. After we broke up it was a breath of fresh air. And I got my shit together and graduated. I met my fiance and I have never been happier. I am in college and I work my ass off. I got the respect from my family again and I am supported by my family and my girl in whatever I want to do in life. So sorry to be so blunt about everything but it is what it is and I'm not going to be nice about it anymore. So u wanted to know what happened between us. Well there it is all in a nut shell.
my feelings: ouch. whatever. asshole. he's stupid. but i'm glad it's done. my questions were answered. he was an idiot and i meant nothing to him. CASE CLOSED FOREVER!! thank you myspace.
love Sarah |
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| this is so great! |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|06:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cheated hearts - yeah yeah yeahs | ] |
check this out!
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| 20 year old nothing |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|01:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
today is my birthday. i am 20 years old. i'm not getting anything or doing anything. this birthday sucks.
love Sarah |
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| nothing...that's what friends are for |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|07:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | watching king of the hill | ] |
i'm so sad. my birthday is coming up and i should be happy. but i'm losing a person i thought was my best friend. but she is nothing to me now. i can't help feeling so shitty about it. of all of the people in the world to ever forget about me and to ever make me feel like i didn't matter or wasn't there, i never ever thought it would be her. but like i said, all friends are walking disappointments. i don't need any more disappointment in my life. but sandra was like a sister to me, she was a part of me. for her to make me feel like that is a stab in the heart. my heart is bleeding and breaking, but all i can do is cry. it hurts so much. i feel like nobody really understands me. she was the only one, but now there is no one. it's so hard to get over, we were friends since the 9th grade and we were close. not just friends, we were family. but now all that is nothing. it's all crap, down the drain. that in itself is sad. so after my birthday i'm going to cut her off, she will no longer be my friend. officially. i'm done with wondering if she's ever going to call me, tired of only talking to her on my birthday and christmas. it's pointless. so now i'm done with "friends". forever.
love Sarah |
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| everytime you give yourself away, it comes back to haunt you |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|05:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | run baby run -garbage | ] |
bored and waiting for my friend to pick me up for work. she's supposed to be here at 6pm. i hope she's still coming. i have no other ride. well tony's stupid friends still haven't called to say that they're coming for the 4th. nothing. i hope they're not coming so i can stay home and spend tomorrow with tony. it would be so nice. like it was last year. we ate barbecque and watched the fireworks from the roof and then screwed like there was no tomorrow. it was so great. but i'm trying hard not to get my hopes up because i still am not sure whether or not it's going to happen. knowing my luck, they will come. i just really really hope hope not. gosh, what a wonderful thing if it happened. i'm going to my sister's once i find out that they're coming. on other things, i'm going to try to get a 1,500 dollar puppy out of my dad for my birthday. it's a long shot, but it might happen. i really want something to keep me company. something i can play with and lay around with too. so what better than a papillon puppy? they are adorable! but pricey. but i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get one. i need one. well i guess that's all for now, i'm going to keep trying to call her and get to work. i'll write back tomorrow or tonight.
love Sarah |
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| please say something |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|06:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
well feeling a little down today. i found out grandpa died and even though i don't really care, nobody told me. i had to ask. but i get bored on myspace and check in on the people who i used to know. my ex and people who i once thought were my friends. i find it easier to live without friends these days, all they seem to do is hurt and disappoint me. but all these people i used to know seem so much more happier and fulfilled than me. they look the way i want to. they have lives and don't have to work. they live with their parents and have comfortable lives, never worrying about money or how they're going to eat. never having to pay anything or have to afford a car. it's all done for them. i used to be carefree and loved, and now my world is a struggle. i work and make money and it's gone all in the same day. i have to buy food and pay bills and rent, take care of my cat. tony has to save money for gas and though we have money, we never go out. everyone is living life and i'm sitting watching them live it because i have nothing to do except sit at home on my computer. and i find this so sad. i feel so sorry for myself and i wish i could live like them. without a care in the world. drinking and having fun. laughing and smiling. things i used to do. now i seem forever irritable. never changing. always in the same spot. i work and i come home and that is it. nothing more, nothing less. and this makes me feel like nothing. i feel like my youth is wasted. i have already wasted so many precious years that i was supposed to use for having the time of my life. i still feel like my life has never been the same since he left me. i haven't been okay since. i feel miserable and empty. i'm not myself and i don't know if i ever will be again. i feel like i'm walking around dead sometimes. i'm dead on the inside. and i don't know what to do to make this feeling go away. i just want to be happy. i just want to be loved. i wish he still knew i existed. i wish i could stop feeling like this. i'm crying. i haven't cried in so long. i'm alone. and i wish there was someone here to talk to. to make me feel better. but there is no one. i am nothing.
love Sarah |
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| i know why the caged bird sings... |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|12:25 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | on the bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the night | ] |
bored, tired, but overall i feel good. today i got to do some 'me' shopping and some gift shopping and i did quite well, considering the fact that i still have money left. i need to put some $$ in my bank and pay my phone/dsl. i'm going to take my driving test hopefully on monday along with that. if not, i'll do it on one of my days off. it just needs to get done because i need to start getting around on my own so i can get another job, and so i can be free. i feel so cooped up in this house all the time, and i feel like i'm going to suffocate and die. me and tony fight over me wanting to go and eat at a restaurant, even if i'm paying or even if it's just denny's around the corner. i am so desperate to get out. so sad that he won't take me anywhere, i'm only human. things like this make me want to leave him just so i can have a life. a real life, where you go out and actually have fun with eachother and be happy. i'm feeling more and more depressed about this, as i never get to go anywhere. at least not with him. the one person i want to go out and have fun with is him, and he'd rather stay home and have me be miserable than to just spend a bit of time and money to take me anywhere. shit i've even offered to pay. he's always saying "i don't want to go out, why are you always trying to make me do things with you?" and i just think like fuck, i gotta fight with him just for him to take me out. and it never happens anyway. the last time we went out was when silent hill first came out, a month or so ago. i'm getting that feeling that perhaps maybe a caged bird has, like i'm slowly dying inside. i feel like he's killing my spirit. and that makes me so sad, because i've told him this, and he doesn't even fucking care. these are things about him that i hate. he doesn't like to do anything, at least not with me. no amusement parks, no regular parks, no taking me to the beach, no taking me for a walk. he won't walk with me to the burger place by our house, the liquor store or not even in the mall. he drives now, but it's just like before. no nothing. but i'm getting to the fed-up point. my goal is to drive, get another job, make enough money to move out on my own, by myself. whether or not he wants to stay with me, is his choice. i would stay with him, but he said that if i ever moved out he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. but i highly doubt that. he loves me to much to just let go like that. shit when i try to get rid of him he sure as hell doesn't want to let me go, so i doubt if i just moved out that he would feel any different. he could just see me whenever he wants. i would stay in bellflower, i love it here. or maybe go to cerritos. but it's so close. and i'll be able to come see him too. i still love him, but right now i think i need to live alone and think about everything. living with him has been so stressful, but also full of tremendous love. i never felt so loved, just so utterly warmed from the inside out. but i also felt other things i never felt before. bad things. but we've been trying to make it all work, compromising and talking about how we feel. we've done so much crying, so much forgiving, so much arguing. but i know he's trying, not always hard enough, but i know he wants us to be together and work it out. he's willing to change things so we can both be happy. after two years, we're finally learning to work together and to try to make things right for both of us. he thinks i'm trying to tell him what to do, but i'm trying so fucking hard to keep this relationship alfloat. it's been fighting not to drown for so long, and it's still hanging on. still on the life raft. i plan to keep it that way. it would be a huge waste of time to leave it dying there. but i think we've come together for a reason, like fate. whether to be together or to learn from eachother, we are here for a reason. and i hope that reason shows itself sometime soon. it's time to put my life together, and i need to know if he's going to be a part of it or not. i hope that we could stay friends after if it ends though. i love him so fucking much. it would hurt to see him with someone else, but i wouldn't be able to not see him anymore. we love eachother alot and we are so close. but i doubt that we'll talk if it ends. the thought would be nice though. but i love him and i'll know in my heart when it's over. no matter what i say or think, or what anyone else says or thinks. i'll know when it's done. it's not there yet. but all in time as i always say.
love Sarah
PS: COMMENTS PEOPLE!!! ARE YOU LISTENING??? LET ME KNOW! HELLO?? DOES ANYONE READ THIS SHIT? ARGGHH!! |
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| it's all good |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|02:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
been feeling good lately. good at work, good at home. besides the peroidical "get-away-from-me" mood swing. i tend to crave my privacy at times. i like to be alone nowadays. i've been spending majority of my waking hours working, or with my sister. the rest, with tony. sleep isn't a luxury anymore, just something to keep me coherent. i got a bank account, and helped my sister get a restraining order on her crazy tweeker husband. i'm dreading 4th of july, but at the same time relieved that it will be gone soon. trying to get my life together so that i am moderately happy, and so far it is working. tony and me fighting is no longer an all the time thing, just a once in a long while explosion. i've been making alot of money and have been putting it to good use, but i still spend it within a couple of days. tony has been reimbursing me for things i buy for us though, so it's all good. things have been good. i guess that's the bottom line. i'm watching my friend's kids on saturday out in hemet. i'm making 50 bucks, and extra money is something that never comes along. god knows i need it. but i'm going to put it in the bank, so that i have emergency money. having a bank account is doing what i thought it would, keeping my money from burning a hole in my pocket. just what i need. it feels good to know i'm not completely broke. i'm still waiting for them to send my garfield checks and my atm card. this is my last check to spend before our rent goes up. i think i'm going to buy those marilyn books i wanted online and that makeup from sephora i've been holding out on. it's going to be like 200 dollars, but i feel like i need them before i can never get them again. i need a printer too, but i don't know if i'll be able to afford it all on this check. i hope so, so i can be all set to no longer splurge. i will have alot of things i need. or want. but either way i won't be tempted to buy them. i'm going to my sister's today, but i still need to shower and try to throw a load in the washer. it feels good to have the day off.
love Sarah |
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| i love my job, big day |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|01:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | distillers - coral fang | ] |
well here i am in the room by myself waiting for tony to come to bed so i can do the same. tomorrow i'm actually going to do something on my day off. i'm going to work with my sister (i love her!) and then after to my friend ericka's to kick back. it's going to be a great day. and then i'll come home to my baby, and we'll be happy together. he might be grumpy or tired, but i know i'll get some...lol. well it's just nice to know that i'll have a really good day, tiring, but good. i have to wake up all early to go with my sister, 8am kills me! and then straight to ericka's. i hope i don't get tired at her house. but i'm sure she'd have coffee or something to pep me up. tony's stupid friend that we've been fighting because of is here, but at least i won't have to see himn at all tomorrow. i'll be gone and tony will take him home when he goes to work. so no worries. but i really wish he wasn't here right now but like i always say, i have to compromise. i had to leave work early today because me and tony were arguing on the phone, and i couldn't stop crying. and when i did, my eyes were all red and then alicia (thank god for her) asked me if i wanted to go home early. i said yes and brought the drama and tears where it belongs, at home. i can usually shrug it off if it's not too serious. but i remember once i cried after i argued with my dad when he dropped me off and i had to walk into work with tears. i went straight to the bathroom, composed myself, and worked. eventually i felt okay. but it's so hard for me to stop crying once i've started these days. i just have so much held in, that when it leaks out, it all wants to come out at the same time. but i don't let it. i just have no one to really open up to and just let it ALL out anymore. sandra used to be that person, but now she's non-existent. and tony is usually the reason why i'm crying, so i'm fucked. i told daisy, ericka and alicia what i was upset about and alicia said she completely understands, and daisy said i don't deserve that and to leave the asshole, and ericka just heard me out and comforted me. daisy and ericka group hugged me and i felt a bit better. daisy said smart and final hug! and i started laughing. but i just kept thinking about all the fucked up things with me and tony and the tears kept coming. it's nice to know that i work with people who really care about me and who comfort me and help me out if i need it. if it were anywhere else, they would probably tell me to keep my problems at home and get over it and keep working. everyone is so loving and like my family, and it's nice to know that i have people to give me advice and to just listen. i can't ever imagine working anywhere else, i love them all so much. we're all like brothers and sisters, we all take care of eachother, and help eachother. it's just such a wonderfully warm atmosphere. i'm never going to quit working there. i just hope they never transfer me to another store in the future, i love it there. damn, when's tony going to come to sleep? i'm so tired, but i swear to god, i cannot go to sleep unless that boy is next to me. i think it's so weird. but he says he's the same too. last night when i was at my sister's, he said he couldn't sleep either after i told him that i couldn't. i think we're so attachedto eachother we're just not comfortable when the other isn't there. that's love...i think. lol. goodnight.
love Sarah |
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| god help me |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|12:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
here at my sister's house and i'm so tired, but i can't sleep. i wish i was at home. i had to come and spend the night over here because tony is a fucking jackass. he pisses me off so much. i'm wondering if i should try to sleep or if i should stay awake all night. i have to go to work tomorrow. but i'm so pissed and aggravated i don't know if i should sleep. i miss my bed. i'll be sleeping on blankets on the floor tonight with my sister and the kids. there's not even any space for me to lay down. maybe i'll take the couch. god it'd be easier if i just stayed awake. but i shouldn't. i'm not going to talk to shithead tomorrow at all. i'll take the bus if i have to. i don't care how hot it is. this is unforgivable. i'm not going to talk to him for a while no matter how much he tries to get me to. fuck him. i'm wondering if i should move in with my sister so i don't have to deal with his shit. but then i'll have to deal with all of my sister's own drama. i'd be in the middle of it. unless she ever leaves luis. god knows when that will happen. someday i hope. my butt is going numb. and my spine hurts from sitting on the floor. i wish i could go home and just be by myself and go to sleep. i wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow. i just want to sleep and do nothing and be left alone. but i will have to ignore him and bus it to work. i fucking hate him. he doesn't care about anyone but himself. i'm never going to be happy with him. but i've been trying so hard to make this all work. but it think it's impossible. there is NO way to compromise with him. no negotiations. he just thinks he's being told what to do, when he's being told what will make us both happy. but he never listens to me. that's the fucking bottom line. he never listens to me. i just wish i lived alone. i can't wait till i do. i will be happy then. or at least live with someone i can actually live with. anyone but him. i will never be able to get along with him living in the same house. never. i wish i was alone. no boyfriend to give me drama, no one to argue with. just serenity and silence and peace. that's what i need. yet somehow a part of me still wishes i were home with him in my bed, sleeping and comfortable. but i know if i were there now i wouldn't be any more comfortable than i am here right now. it would be the same thing. i would be pissed wishing i were someplace else. tired and unable to sleep. i just want to feel like i'm at home. i just want to have a home, and be home. my own home. i just want to be happy.
love Sarah |
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| is something wrong with me, something wrong with you, i really wish i knew |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|12:59 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  enthralled | ] |
okay, well everything is okay now. tony's friend is just down here for a few days, and he's not spending the night here, thank god. i don't have to go to my sister's or anything. i'm kind of hoping his friend won't come over tomorrow though. i go to work 2-6 and tony 9-5. so when i get off work, tony's friend would want to come over, and then he'd be here when i was here. i hate his guts, so i hope that doesn't happen. tony's asleep right now and i'm so glad that it started to cool down. i'm so relieved about everything, and i'm happy that my sister has been calling me lately just to see what i'm doing. that shows me that she misses me when i'm not around. it makes me so so so happy! god i'm just like filled with this wonderful feeling. even though i'm alone. me and tony had sex like 3 times and i loved it. today was an overall good day, besides the whole friend thing. work was okay, when i got home everything was fine, and now i feel great. i just wish i had someone to hug right now. i miss my damion. he gave me the best hug, even though he almost squeezed me to death. but no one has hugged me like that in a while. i feel so good right now i wish i had someone to share it with. on another good note, i searched like crazy last night and there are some leads in me finding gordy. there is a christina m. turrietta is fountain valley who is 19. it has to be her. but i couldn't get the number or anything because i had to pay. but i think i could call information or something to get it somehow. i also found a c.ortiz in anaheim, who could be gordy's cousin and who might know where she is. and i got her parents' house number so i could see if they'd tell me where she is. i doubt it, but it's worth a try. they are such evil people. they took my love away. but i hope that maybe this will lead to something and i will find her. if not i will have to hire a p.i. to look for her. drastic, but i need her back. i wonder if she still remembers me. maybe she has a new life and she forgot. but i will never forget her, and until i see her again, i never will. i can't wait to get paid. i hate not having money, but it's my own fault for always spending all of it. oh well. you live, you learn. and i'm still learning.
love Sarah |
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| i'm left here bleeding, oh what went wrong? |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|12:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | incubus- a crow left of the murder cd | ] |
and of course, my little world is invaded. one of tony stupid friends came over. it's like speak of the devil, because i was talking to my sister about this the other day. i said, watch since tony hasn't called them with the new number they're just going to pop in all of a sudden. and lo and behold, one of them shows up today. god i'm so aggravated. but i have to go to work soon. in like an hour, but i'm worried because i don't hear anything in the other room. i don't know if tony left or where they are in the house. he hasn't told me what's going on. is he staying, is he going, how long, how many? will he be gone before or after i go to work? i'm hoping tony took him home, or that he will be gone when i come home from work. i just want to come home and be comfortable and i can't do that if someone is here. i need to know what's going on. i need to know right now. but tony hasn't come in the room to tell me anything. he also could be outside on the porch. it's so hot in the house. or he could be gone. i wish i knew. i guess i'll find out when it's time for me to go to work. god this is killing me. my hands are shaking like crazy because i'm mad. damn it's scaring me. i haven't shook like this for a long time. the last time i did was when that fucker i hate came by for tony and i told him to never come back. except then my whole body was shaking like crazy. not just my hands. i thought the music might soothe me, but i need to know what the fuck is going on before i can calm down. i'm wondering if i should open the door to see where they are and find out. but i hate the motherfucker and i don't want to have to say hi to him. or see his fucking face. i have personal reasons for hating him, and it has nothing to do with tony. but tony doesn't understand that i hate the very fiber of his supposed friends' being. he fucked with my things, something that belonged to my brother, and then lied to me to my face about it. and that is unforgiveable. then he blamed tony and i got so pissed at him for nothing. and all of that, i can't forgive. he also got tweek delivered to our house when we were both at work. and that is beyond ever forgiving. but here he comes and tony welcomes him with open arms. if it was my friend, they wouldn't be allowed near my house. but he's so dumb, it's like it doesn't phase him. and that makes me pissed. he hates when people do fucked up shit to him or say fucked up shit, and when it's me it's the end of the world. but when it's his friends, it's like it never happened. i forgive no one for fucked up shit unless they're family. blood. but they are nothing to him. but i hope he'll learn soon that they don't care about him as much as i do, and that i am more important. i am his everything and all that he will probably ever have. he won't ever get someone as good as me. someone who will take his shit and let him break things and even them. he broke my wrist and here i am. loving him just as much as i ever did. i know it's wrong. but here i am. miss forgive. but i love him and friend love isn't the same as real love. and we have real love. or are at least very close to it. but i need to him know that i am real, and his friends are not. they mean nothing compared to me. they care nothing compared to me. and i am everything and they are nothing. and that's the way it is. when he needs someone i will be there, and nobody else. his family of course, but always me. once he realizes that, everything else will fade away and mean nothing. and we will be happy together. i know that now. all i need is my immediate family and him and everyone here and that's it. nothing else matters, no one else will be there. i don't need anyone else.
love Sarah |
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| ARRRGGGGHHH!!!! |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|12:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hot | ] |
it's hot and i'm bored and it's hot!! god i hate summer. i can't wait to get my next check and finally open that bank account. it sucks though, because we're going to start paying more for rent now. $140 a check instead of the usual $75. but it doesn't really bother me that much. it's not till august 1st anyway. i have to buy a printer before i can't afford it anymore. i'm all sweaty and i don't think i'm going to be able to sleep until it gets a million degrees cooler. the ceiling fan is barely moving the air. i need to buy another fan to keep the room a tolerable temperture. i hate the heat. i've been talking alot to my sister and hanging around her alot. as much bad crap i think about her sometimes, i still love her as much as i always have. she's one of the people i am closest to right now at this point in my life. i know if i'm upset, i can call her and tell her what's wrong and she'll understand. if i want to get away, i can go to her house. i know when something bad happens to me, she will be there. and i know no matter what, she will love me and be there for me. she is my best friend right now. next to tony. tony is like my best friend, but there are always things i can't tell him, or sometimes he's the problem. i can't just talk to him for a while and know he's listening, he's told me that sometimes he's listening, but not completely. and it makes me feel sometimes like it's just a waste to talk to him in the first place. like a waste of breath. that's why i feel so happy that i have my sister. i think it's funny, people say your friends are supposed to be everything, and that they will always be there for you, but mine always just flitter away like they never knew me. so i know i think, what's the point? i don't need friends. i don't need people who aren't going to be there for me. people that aren't there when i need someone, aren't there to talk or to listen. they just simply are not there. the only one true friend i had got taken away from me, my gordy. she was the one person i thought i would always have with me. but i don't know what happened to her. but i will find out someday. i think i've given up completely on friends. at least until i meet a real one. until then, bleh. work, home, and that's about it.
love Sarah |
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| this is boring...but oh well |
[May. 31st, 2006|12:36 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
went to sleep and woke up and now i can't go back. i will, but might as well to do something else to pass the time besides hearing the night and staring at the ceiling. went to work, then went to devinie and daniel's school for their open house with my sister. i envied them, because i never had anyone go to those for me. but it was nice to have them show all the little things they've done to my sister and me. to be proud of their work, and to listen to them. i love them. daniel gets on my nerves, but he can be sweet when he wants. devinie is such a smart girl, and i try to listen to her as much as i can. no one else really does. i just don't want her to feel like i did, like no one cared what i thought or wanted to listen to me. she's practically in the same boat as me. but i want to be sure that she does better and doesn't take the shit at home to school with her like i did. i was always depressed and never felt like it mattered to try because no one would be proud of me anyway. it just was never important to do good for myself if there was no one there to care about it. no one loved me that much. after open house we went to the library and dropped off our books and went to the super cool library in cerritos. i got garfield books and took pictures of devinie and daniel in front of the fountain. fishtank, and giant t-rex. it was nice. then we went to taco bell and they dropped me off. i ate and then went to sleep, and that's about it. and now here i am. i found this cool site that has lots of crazy videos on it, and i spent alot of last night looking at stuff with tony. we had sex all hardcore and went to sleep all late. it was so wonderful. but damn i'm going to be tired if i don't go to sleep. goodnight.
love Sarah |
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| BUSTED!!! |
[May. 29th, 2006|12:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | gold lion -yeah yeah yeahs | ] |
tony found out i was writing about him on myspace and got pissed. so now i will write here. he doesn't know about livejournal. i really hope someone kills that asshole jerod for blabbing to tony. it's nobody's fucking business but my own and if i want people to read it, then i write it. whomever it's about i don't care if they don't like it. tony especially. he's so conscious of what people know about him. he doesn't want anyone to know that he can act violent and like an asshole. why do i have to be the only one to know? why should i censor my thoughts and feelings because they're about him? i shouldn't have to, and i won't. i refuse not to be heard. it's not even like i'm trying to do anything, trying to make him look bad. i just write what i think and feel, and alot of times it had to do with him. i can't help it. he is my life. so i can't write about it? he's full of shit if he thinks i'm not going to write anymore. well, here i am. on to other topics. work was okay, not that bad. i was the service clerk because ranfrey came late and alicia sent him home. i had agreed to stay and do his work if he didn't show, but he eventually did only to be sent away. alicia told him he should've called. it was cool. lately i've been tiring of doing the register and have been wanting to do other things, anything else except be face to face with assholes all day. after a while it aggravates me. so i'm going to ask eric if i could do other things maybe. i hope he'll let me. but i think i'm one of the best cashiers we have, so he might say no. but either way i am showing that i want to do other things, succeed, move up, work hard. he'll see that i'm one of the best workers. i will be all i can be. :) no not like the army. lol. i'll push myself and see how far i can go. i might even try to be a key carrier soon someday. i can do it, but it will be hard. but i want to go far in that company, and have benefits and make alot of money. anything is better than going to school. i'm going to have to work my ass off if i want it all, and i will. oh yes i will.
love Sarah |
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| sorry i haven't updated |
[May. 22nd, 2006|09:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
well all is okay in my world. me and tony still fight and make up, we still go to work and come home and do nothing. same same same. i have to do the laundry because it's all over the house. but today's been my only day off in a while. i've been working almost everyday, which i love and hate. i make money, but i have to work my ass off for it. i have to buy a new radio though, so i needs to make that money. i'm thinking about getting satellite, but i think i should get a car first and all that. i don't really know what to do about everything. driving is such a big thing for me, and i'm excited to do it. i haven't even started yet, but i'm taking my permit test on friday and that is my first step to everything. i can't wait. i think maybe the ticket i had got lost or something which i hope to god it did. i called the dmv and asked if there was anything on my record to prevent me getting my license and the lady said nothing was on the computer. i was like nigga! i can get my license! without paying all that stupid money! so i'm hoping that's the case so i can get all this shit done and get a car and drive and go anywhere i want. i will be so happy. but all in good time.
love Sarah |
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