- August 29th, 2011
well here's another blue moon entry no one will read. since i last posted, unemployment kicked in, THANK GOD (trust me i do!) and mario is but a thing of the past. fell in love with another idiot who busted a mario on me. i love you but i'm not IN love with you. "i love to hang out with you and drink with you and i LOVE to fuck you, but i don't see this ever turning into a relationship." slap in the face, recoil, and drive him home. holding back tears until i lock my room door. cry self to sleep, check. waste day sleeping depressed, check. converse with my friend/psychologist, decide to see what happens. i just hate having in my mind the delusional thought that "hmm, maybe he'll change his mind." yeah because that TOTALLY worked for you last time, dumbass. i just hate this fucking mixed signal shit, you know? he'd say things to make me think positive, like: "if we ever got together, blah blah blah." seriously drawing a blank on that, sorry lol. i think i blocked it out after he rejected me. but seriously, why would you say those kinds of things to someone you weren't ever planning on getting with? it just doesn't make any fuckin sense to me. now the only decision i need to make is whether to cut him loose, or keep him around. the sex is good, in a drought currently, so he is useful. he's not a giver, but he doesn't take from me either, or ask anything of me. i feel like he can possibly be a true friend, he's very encouraging and optimistic and fun as hell to be around. he doesn't come around as often as i'd like, and i don't work with him anymore, so he's easy to get over and forget. i'm a very out of sight, out of mind kinda girl. i don't forget, but it helps me when i don't have to see his face every damn day. when i'm hurt by some guy, seeing their face cuts through me like a knife. i'm just worried i won't be able to set my feelings aside and not see it as rejection, just as a not meant to be type of situation. i mean i used to kinda have feelings about one of my friends, then i decided i loved him alot, just that it would never be. we've talked about it though together, and thought it couldn't work. we laughed about it. i don't think we've ever really been that way though. we've always been very close friends with benefits and i've never gotten butthurt about it. but then, we've been that way since the beginning. me and this new guy joseph, started out that way then i fell in love with him. there's just some people i fall for immediately. i was interested in him when i first saw him, and when i worked with him, that was it, i was smitten. we were so compatible, and he was so smart and witty to me. i was used to talking to dumb guys at work, where i'd talk to them and they'd be like "what's that mean?" when i say something sometimes. i am attracted to intelligence. it's so hot to me. sometimes it's irritating though, when your own ignorance is pointed out to you by a brainiac. as long as it's playful banter it's funny and laughable, but insulting my intelligence is not going to win you points with me. he didn't act all arrogant. he just joked around with me and people started to notice how we talked alot to eachother. he was like my oasis in the middle of the desert. cute AND intelligent, and sarcastic and funny. total package. i fell in love with him, he was single at the time, so i tried to nab him. he seemed for it at the time, then got a girlfriend and ignored me. we were supposed to get together and then he just says "oh i have a girlfriend now, and i wanted to let you know." i'm like "okay, whatever." i had a boy toy at the time giving me the runaround, so i was like fuck it. no loss to me, i still got mine. he's with his girl, i get over it, stop acting butthurt and decide, just be friends, he's cool. then, he pulls the rug out from under me and starts with the late night texting. i know this for a fact, a man with a girlfriend (or not) does not text a girl hey wats up at 2am unless he's not interested in a little sumptin sumptin. we go back and forth for a while, and it never amounted to anything. i'm like whatever still, still got the backup. then i lose my job, the bottom falls out of the "un" relationship i was in, and the texts continue. eventually he ends up at my house and stuff happens. that was my goal all along. i'm a very "i see, i come, i conquer" type of girl. i see a man, i want him, i get him. even in time apparently. he was well worth the wait. then he ends up calling me the next day saying, "i don't think we should do that again." oh great, a paranoid one. ugh guys with girlfriend can be such pussies. they come to me for needs that aren't being met, then regret it and run back to their girlfriends. i get ignored, until they feel the need for infidelity again. totally through with this shit. anyways, not too long after, he informs me him and his girl broke up. CHA-CHING. he returns, guiltless. after this, i am hopeful maybe he likes me or else he would have just left me alone. little do i know, that's not the case. it's been 6 months now we've been like this. we hang, we talk, we drink, we fuck, he spends the night and he goes home. we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but it's cool. then i gotta fuck it up by falling for him yet again because of all this. i assume the best, until it really starts to bug me that i don't KNOW the status of this relationship. is it going anywhere, am i just the inbetween till his next relationship, is he going to push me aside after he finds someone, does he have feelings for me but he's not ready to tell me yet, or does he just enjoy my company and like to fuck me? i needed an answer. i decided with much prodding from close friends that i should just ask. so i work up the balls to do it. i was about to take him home, but i decided this was a good opportunity to ask. i possibly faced a really awkward car ride. i took the plunge. so i said, "okay i'm going to ask you something cuz i want to know, it doesn't matter whatever i just would like to know." he says okay. i say, "i want to know where this is going, like is it going to ever turn into a relationship, or we just gonna be friends with benefits? i'm just curious cuz you know how i feel, i just want to know if it's mutual." he's like, "well it's mutual, i mean i like hanging out with you, and drinking with you, i LOVE fucking you, but i don't see this ever being a relationship, us ever being together." try not to burst into tears...successful. i just keep an expressionless composure, and say, "alright well thanks, that's all i wanted to know." he says, "you're going to hate me now, aren't you?" i say, "nah, it's cool, don't worry about it." clenched teeth, fake small toothless smile. inside i'm screaming, "don't let him see that it bothers you." anyone who knows me very well, my closest friends and family, know that me being very quiet and expressionless means that i am either holding back tears cuz i want to cry, or i'm really fucking pissed off. it's just not me. the difference also known by these few, is when i i'm pissed i flush a little, and inhale and exhale very obviously, trying to stay composed. when i want to cry, i blink heavily and bite my lip, while looking away. i also fidget alot. my voice tends to waver, depending how bad i want to cry. my tone is also mono, i don't sound happy or sad really. they say you can tell i'm upset by my eyebrows and mouth expressions. he's a guy, so his only indication i'm sure that he noticed is my silence. i talk ALOT, especially while driving. i just drove and looked ahead. eventually he tried to break my ice queen stature by joking, i smiled but you could tell it was forced. i dropped him off and that was it. since then, i have been wondering how i should deal with this. i just don't want to get hurt. i did it once and i swore to myself i wouldn't do it again, but i really love him. i just don't know what to do. i feel like it's a lose/lose situation. i either lose someone who could be a good friend to me, or get used by someone who's never going to love me like i love them. i've done this before, only to be left with nothing. no friend, no love. i don't know if joseph would do that to me, but i would be taking a chance. repeating history. i just really love hanging out with him, he always makes me laugh, and we always have a good time together. maybe i should focus on that. idk i'm thinking of filling my prescription a little early to try to talk to this hot guy at the CVS by my house, but scared of rejection again. he seems interested, but i'm not sure. i want to ask if he has a girlfriend, and then if not, slip him my number or say we should hang out sometime. just throw myself out there, anywhere, or over a bridge. i'm a risk-taker when it comes to love, though i'm unlucky, i think it will pay off someday. i just don't like to think of an opportunity that could be missed, love that could be lost. maybe i could pass by my soulmate and not even know it, and all i had to say was hello. hey you never know. but then again, maybe i've just been watching WAY too many fucking movies. love is dead. chivalry is rotting.